hobbies

It's tough to keep up writing both a journal and a blog... I feel like this has become more and more disjoint and less informative (to me) and is probably nothing more than total inanity to anyone other than me.

So - rather than continue to use this blog as a forum for vagaries around how my life is going in general, I'm going to start to turn it into something else - something more like all the other blogs out there.. I'm going to try to be informative.

There are not a lot of topics upon which I am actually qualified to be informative. In fact, I can't really think of any.

I've spent a great deal of time lately playing Magic: the Gathering - Online in an effort to tune a deck to be ready to play in Grand Prix: San Francisco this weekend, but alas, it seems that either I'd be playing the same deck as everyone else, or I'd be losing more than I'd win. And I don't really want to spend the money either way, since I'm pretty sure I'd come out somewhere near the bottom. I just don't have the time, focus, or freedom to be competitive there anymore.

And my other interests.. well, they've been rather sparse as of late.

I could give you the super secret tech that made it into my almost-but-not-quite-competitive rogue deck, but I don't think anyone reads this, or could care. Suffice it to say, against a field of U/B/x Teachings or U/x Pickles decks, I can prove that Dragonstorm isn't dead. Against a field of Tarmagoyf and Blink effects, I can show you a good answer - Johnny Cash style - but this isn't an invention of my own. But against a field that I expect to be split somewhere between the two, with a smattering of reanimator decks thrown in, I can't lock down more than 50%.

I think it's time to get serious about golf and beer, and maybe something new.

Anyone know a good hobby to do in the hours between 7pm and 7am? Preferably something that is both interesting, occasionally engages with other people, and can be practiced alone most of the time.

Drop me a line if you read this.

confrontation

Confronting yourself is scary.

It's not something I've ever done before. I've always managed to avoid it somehow, and I'm not even sure of the mechanisms I used. I thought I had, a few times, but I think I now realize that I was wrong.

The worst of it is, I don't think I like me.

Well, maybe that's not the worst of it... It's not like I think I'm an asshole - though I sometimes am - it's more like I think I'm pathetic. I've designed all of these evasion techniques, and I'm not even cognizant of them more often than not.

So the true worst of it is, I often act in ways that are not in my own best interests because my sense of self isn't strong enough to enforce my interests.

I feel stupid today.

aborted humor

So, I started to write something humorous yesterday. I have a draft of it stored here, but it doesn't make any sense to me anymore.

Yesterday started out as a pretty good day. I was optimistic about the future, and saw things as 'trending in the right direction' to borrow some buzzwords from work. All of that changed yesterday afternoon. I got frustrated and let it get to me, so that I stuffed it down from work and went home and acted annoyed there.

I think I've probably done this a few hundred times over the past several years, but this might very well be the first time I've noticed it.

So - my humor attempt was aborted, and now I don't even know what I found funny.

It's not that I'm incapable of seeing funny today.. for instance:

Some people are like Slinkys - pretty useless, but they do put a smile on your face when you push them down the stairs.

Okay - maybe that's more morbid than funny.. no, it's funny.

Anyway - yesterday turned out to be not too funny. Today isn't much funnier, but sometimes funny isn't the point.

I'm finally human - I can learn from my mistakes.

forgive me

Forgive me for today. I'm feeling a little depressed, and as much as I fight it, I can't seem to shake the feeling. I have this powerful urge to embrace it, to feel the pain and depression and let it drag me down and stay there.

I won't do that, but permit me a few moments to let this wash over me and be done with it.

Words stolen from Trent:

Love is not enough

I can't remember what it is we try to forget
..
In your eyes is a place worth remembering
..
The closer we think we are
It only got us so far
Now have you got anything left to show?
No, no, I didn't think so.
The sooner we realize
We cover ourselves with lies
But underneath it we're not so tough
And love is not enough

And everything I believed..
I believed I could get better with you

Love is not enough

.......

you know.. he's right of course, love is not enough, but it sure makes some things worth fighting for.

If anything, I'm humbled by this experience. I thought I was an island. I thought I was a a fortress. I thought I was all I needed. I now know, I cannot stand alone. I do not know best.

I am in love. And I have fight left in me.

Those words above - they're not mine, but writing them there is cathartic.

So many metaphors spring to mind to illustrate the way I feel right now. Fire and crucibles and kernels of truth and light all clamor for attention. But I hide behind metaphors. Right now, I need to be honest and open and transparent.

I'm scared and I'm tired and I'm in pain. I don't feel like I have a right to feel this way. Forgive me.